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To my credit, I have quite the impressive track record, which I once spotlighted in a post circa 2014. On February 14 I come home to find my apartment void of MOMA cards or hipster potted plants any other romantic gesture that I had oh-so-naively hoped for.

Little did I know that it was then only a WIP, a trajectory that was sub ject to evolve until it finally hit a record low at this exact time last year. My girlfriend and I got to Comedy Cellar where the host spotlights us as token lesbians, then as token desperate chicks. I dump all his stuff in a garbage bag and take it Fed Ex, where I pay to ship it to his house but get free therapy from the Fed Ex guy as a consolation prize.

YOGA, WALKING AND RELAXATION IN FISHBOURNE (April 30th) Enjoy stretching your body and learning some yoga moves in preparation for your walk along the beach. WALKING WITH LLAMAS AND ALPACAS (April 30th) A scenic walk around our farm with your own llama or alpaca. Ideal for co-ordination and balance, promoting control of both body and mind. Walk starts and finishes at the Fisherman’s Cottage Shanklin stopping for coffee at the Beach Café, Sandown. Lawrence to the top of the Undercliff finishing at Whitwell. WALK THE WIGHT – FULL WALK (May 15th) Walk the Wight is a 26½ mile cross-Island sponsored walk in aid of patient care at the Earl Mountbatten Hospice.

Refreshments along the way and a relaxation session to rest and rejuvenate yourself after a gentle nature walk. Learn all things alpaca and llama whilst walking with our beautiful friendly and endearing creatures. Cost: £15 per person walking a llama or alpaca (£3 for extra walker – up to a maximum of two). CAPABILITY BROWN AT APPULDURCOMBE (May 3rd) The first of two walks to celebrate the 300th anniversary of the birth of Lancelot ‘Capability’ Brown. All walkers are invited to finish with a meal of local produce back at The White Horse in Whitwell (at walkers’ cost).

With over 200 walks to choose from, this year’s Isle of Wight Walking Festival between April 30th and May 15th features a very topical Capability Brown Walk at Appuldurcombe (in the 300th anniversary year of the great man himself), as well as the Festival’s famous Speed Dating Walk. TASTE OF THE WIGHT (May 11th) Let Taste of the Wight take you on a tour to delight your tastebuds.

A pdf of the full programme of walks can be downloaded from the Festival website, but here’s our “10 of the Best” to get you started… TAI CHI AND QI GONG (May 8th) This Tai Chi and Qi Gong walk is suitable for all ages and levels of fitness. FRIENDSHIP AND SPEED DATING WALK (May 8th) Meet the person of your dreams on a speed dating walk along Sandown Bay. Starting at Ventnor Haven Fishery, you will take-in Steephill Cove, Ventnor Botanic Gardens up St. Cost: Sponsorship or donation to the Earl Mountbatten Hospice.

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I halfheartedly option him as a potential date, only to have him go MIA on me a few days prior. After digesting said Grand Gesture and convincing my dad that no, I would not get killed in Détente’s drug war, I go.

On Valentine’s Day he came back with the following message. ) 2017 – And now, the pièce de résistance, kids, the stuff youthful dreams are made of. Following a trip that I have now successfully blocked out of my head, Prince Charming and I return to the Western Hemisphere as a couple.

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