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RELATED: 12 Shocking Facts About Cheaters At 35-years-old, Barbara Gisborne was living the American dream.

She lived in Madison, Wisconsin, with her loving husband and two children—but she was miserable.

The first question that comes to mind when a spouse cheats is: Why?

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What You Can Learn: While the confidence gained from the affair may have given her the spark she needed to get out of a bad relationship, New York City psychologist Michael E.

Silverman, Ph D, says if you're in an abusive relationship, deception isn't the best way to deal with it.

"Gary was totally consumed and exhausted by his work—there was nothing left for me," she says.

"I was totally committed to my family and gave it my all, but knew in my heart that I certainly did not want this for rest of my life." One night, she met up with Tom, an acquaintance, and ended up staying out all night with him.

"The biggest lesson I learned was that if I was unhappy in my marriage, my husband was only 50% to blame.

[Having] an affair gave me the courage to ask for what I wanted in my marriage," she says.

"My husband was a good man, but I was bored inside and out," she says.

"In our community, I always felt like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole." That year, she was in Chicago on business and met Bob, an Australian man, on an elevator. We exchanged numbers, kept in touch, and I decided to fly out to Australia to see him and get him out of my system," she says.

Rather than having an affair, increase the romance, change habitual patterns within the relationship and communicate more about your feelings and needs." If you just need a change of pace, try booking an exotic vacation with your husband or girlfriends, or discuss moving to a new city and starting over.

For 10 years, 49-year-old Barbara Singer created a life independent of her husband because he was never around.

What You Can Learn: While what her husband did may be shocking, the fact that there was unaddressed anger in the relationship created fertile ground for an affair, says Dr. "Coupled with the lack of sexual intimacy there was nothing left to hang a relationship on," he says Even though the affair helped Vanessa learn some valuable lessons and the relationship was ultimately saved, Dr.

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